I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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