Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
