Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Can Purell be used as lube?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
