I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My feet surprised me
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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