I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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