The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize