He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
