Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
