all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
