how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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