I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My vagina is officially offended.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize