Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
