South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
