Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
