You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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