That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
