From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
