It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
