i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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