it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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