It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
