So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
