i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
