did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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