i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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