how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
