M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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