he referred to my room as the tit cave...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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