Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
