Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize