Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
