Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
