I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I looked at my own cervix.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
