I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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