at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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