You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
