Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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