that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
