apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
