i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You ate ashes out of my bong
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize