I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
