You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
