I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
