There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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