the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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