Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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