But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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