my shit smells like andre
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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