Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
