Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
