i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
