it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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