i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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