Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
