I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
