I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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