ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
