Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize