This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
