Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
