i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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