i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
