cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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