I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
