I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize