A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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